exposed...very exposed...

alright. i've been meaning to blog for a while, but i've never found it in me to. i know some ppl are asking about my lack of posts and stuff. i don't feel like i've ever updated regularly but yeah. i don't really know where to start but...ok. i don't usually write anything too personal on here...kind of make it a point not to, so this will be tremendous jump for me. i feel like i need to share this. do with it what you will. i guess take it as an fyi kinda thing...just so you know.

summer's coming to a close and it's definitely been one of the best summers ever, but also more bittersweet than i could have ever imagined. i've experienced so much joy, encouragement, excitement, fun, and love, but at the same time i've had my share of disappointment, hurt, loneliness, and helplessness. i'm not sure if i'm ready for the changes that i know the end of summer will bring. but they'll happen regardless. i know i'll be stretched, i know we'll be stretched.

i guess right now i'm just referring to one thing. i know ppl are wondering if i'm ok, afraid to bring it up with me. i guess i'm a little conflicted right now. i know i'm ok with what has to happen. i'm so excited to see what God's going to do. i know it's an awesome opportunity...tremendous time of growth. i know all of that, and i really do believe it from the bottom of my heart. i support this 100%. i'm glad this is happening.

but at the same time, i've never felt this sad before. i don't even know if sad is the right word, but i can't find another word right now. it's going to be hard. it's going to be very different. it's not even the distance that matters. it's just the sheer absence that makes all the difference. sometimes i don't even know how to feel. it's probably not even a big deal. but sometimes i can't help but to feel that it is. it's going to take a lot of time to adjust. i know it's going to be ok. i'm going in circles but i don't care anymore. i just feel the need to get this out.

i've known this was going to happen for over 2 years. i'm committed to handling this maturely. i know it's God's plan and i'm so happy that it's so clear. but the time i've spent years preparing myself for is finally here and i don't know if i'm as strong as i'd like to be. i feel like i've had to be strong and unshaken the whole way through. our families talk about it, our friends talk about it, we talk about it, and through it all i feel like i've had to smile and nod and pretend to be unaffected. i'm afraid to cry because i don't want things to be harder than they have to be. i want to be strong. emotions are a weakness right now. but if being strong means having no emotions and just shrugging it off, then i know it's not going to happen.

i know a year is just a moment compared to everything else i have faith will come after. even this year that'll most likely end up being the beginning of 3 years is just a moment. but right now, i just really want a moment where i can feel like it's ok to be sad. i feel like i haven't been able to. i haven't been able to feel like i'm allowed to. i just want a moment where i'm allowed to be sad. REALLY sad. i just want a moment where i can feel ok to feel what i feel. i just want a moment where i don't have to be strong. where i don't have to be the one taking care of everyone else. just a moment where i can cry without hearing ppl say that i'm such a girl, or that i'm so distraught, or hear of ppl's plans for forming a support group with me. i don't need to be reminded that it's not that far, that it's not that long. and please don't tell me that i can't be selfish and i need to let go. it makes me so angry. if it makes you feel wiser, bigger, or stronger than me then fine. i'll give you the pleasure of knowing i heard you. but don't for one second get smug and think that you've enlightened me in any way. i've spent years thinking about this. over 2 years preparing myself for the moment when i know i have to let go. i know i'm not being selfish. i know what love requires. i've never not wanted this to happen for my own sake or comfort. i asked not to be included or considered in the decision. i know what God's will is, and i'm so glad it's crystal clear for both of us. i know this is best. sure, it's hard, but i wouldn't want it any other way. i know amazing things will come from this and i'm honestly so excited to see what God has in store. i would never want to hold him back from the very best that God has planned. time apart is hard, but if that's what it takes then i'll gladly let go. so don't get all love-guru on me. i don't need help. i don't need pity. i just need a space and time to be safe enough to cry if i need to. i want to be allowed to feel sad...just for a moment.

yesterday was the softball banquet. i know i've said this time and time again, but i'm honestly so proud of our team and how far we've come. our goal was never to win an award, but rather focus on being a team that God would be pleased with. it was such a phenominal accomplishment by the entire team. no gov could be more proud and honoured to have been a part of this team. yesterday night was so SO great. but i know some ppl feel like they've seen a part of me they've never seen before too. it was so bittersweet because people were missing and i don't think i've ever expressed that sadness that overtly. i've never had to. not that i wasn't happy, and not that no one else mattered, the night just felt incomplete. experiencing such joy and not being able to share it the one person you want to the most is quite heartbreaking. that was my jerry maguire moment. maybe it's just something i have to get used to.

so that's me. really me. so "am i ok?" yeah. "REALLY?" yup. "am i sad?" absolutely. "so...i'm ok?" definitely. it's gonna be alright.

Most Appreciated Team: Lights 2005